English
Citizen
Div/ided
​
You disagree with them. Almost all of them. Sitting in your English class, having a discussion about something. It's not important what. But you disagree. And that's fine, you can disagree. They say that their idea is right, that it's the only right one. They try and convince you that because you don't agree on one issue, you are a terrible person. But is asserting their opinion on you really alright? You know it's not.
Since the Election, there are certain people who look at you very differently. They are waiting for you to say something, anything, that proves them right. So they can point their finger at you, and blame you for all that is wrong in the world. Call you a bigot but, you know that they don’t know you, not really, not the real you.
your veins flow a deep garnet
lips turning an absolute mauve
submerged in an endless cobalt ocean
“Oh, so you're a homophobe” They say. In a rare occasion, you are speechless. Simply because of where you were born, what you look like, and an unrelated comment, you have now been branded. There's always going to be that one person who insists you're a racist, you're a bigot, you're transphobic. You try and be friendly, but people have already made up their mind...you’re not that way. They would know that to, If they would care to listen.
You contrast with most of the people in your class, pulled to one side or the other. They say “make up your mind, you're sitting in the middle right now” . You know You don't have to. Your opinions are not a two party system. If you're not able to make a choice, you have no freedom. And isn't that what this is all about? Freedom? You have more choices than they say you do.
too easy to drown,
struggling to stay afloat
but you keep swimming
All these little truths have been twisted. The things you learned are not always true. And they need to know you know that too. You're Not someone who blindingly devours all information fed to you. You know both sides say what they need to say to get you to join them, and hey, you don’t care. They can do what they want. If they believe in something else, You don't care. Just as long as they don't assert their opinion on you. Even if you disagree with someone to the highest degree, you need to show them the smallest amount of respect, just plain common decency. Some Southern Hospitality.
You would have to be a billboard to see all the invisible truths written under your skin raised to the surface. You know, But they can't, or won't see it. Blinded by what they think is the only answer.
not simply blue
not simply red
but a vibrant shade of purple
Personal Essay
Finding Syd
I have always been “queer.” Not just as defined as a part of the LGBTQ+ community, but queer as in unconventional as well. As a young child, my wardrobe was ridiculously flamboyant, and my dress up options as enthusiastic as I am. I could be always be found parading around in a combination of plaid shorts and striped tights, complimented by my signature rain boots. My clothing choice was a very clear marker that I was not like everyone else. My mother even calls my sense of style “queerky,” a combination of the words queer and quirky.
In elementary school, I always felt unsure of my role in my group of friends. I imagined that everybody felt more sure of themselves than I did. Although I didn't know it at the time, part of the reason I felt so out of place was because the way I felt was different than the heteronormative messages I was receiving. Because I didn't have the language to express my thoughts, I kept these concerns to myself.
In eighth grade I came out. Middle school was a challenge because I had no LGBTQ+ friends to share my newfound identify with. Compared to middle school, high school was a queer paradise. However, I relied on my queer identity to find friends, even if those friends were not the best for me. I tried to mold myself to the gay archetype I thought I had to be, instead of listening to the nuances that made me different and unique. The more I focused on my queer identity, the less I tried to articulate the other parts of myself. I did not have to address my anxiety because it was easier to conform to stereotypes than be my true self.
I deferred to my gay role in social situations for the first years of high school, until I recognized that there is more to me than just being gay. After years of being overwhelmingly queer, this realization triggered a change in how I view my identity. This has led me to understand that I don’t need one role to dictate my life, because there are so many other sides of me than just being queer. When I was faced with choosing a role for the school play, I didn’t want to choose whether to be the boy or girl character, just as I now don’t want to choose my queer role over the other facets of myself. I see now that I don’t have to choose; one aspect of myself is no less important than the others. Ironically, in trying to fit into the queer mold, I was conforming to one identity, which is the opposite of what being queer is about. The point of pride is not to only be proud of your queerness, but to be proud of all aspects of who you are.
I recently hosted a “GraduGaytion” party to celebrate my four years of being out to my friends and family. Despite the party being dedicated to this milestone, it wasn’t just about being proud of being LGBTQ+. It was about celebrating me in all of my “queerness,” which encompasses all the parts of myself. I am queer, and while that will always be a large part of who I am, I can also be a filmmaker, a musician, a teacher, and a leader. I will continue to discover and embrace new parts of myself, some of which I will express and some of which I won’t. I now know that I don’t have to fit into a predetermined box. I can be who I want to be without worrying about fitting into a pre-cut mold. As a teacher, I hope to support kids who may be struggling with being different. Knowing from personal experience how hard it is to express these feelings, I hope to encourage them to be themselves.
Short Narrative
This and That
​
Ari rushed down the hallway, hurriedly checking her phone. 6:16. A couple more steps, 6:18. Shit. Time can't be moving that fast, can it? Of course, on the one day when she is already running late, the universe decides to play a cruel trick by changing the fundamental rules of time and space. Ari was so deep in thought she didn't even notice Dov running up behind her. “Ari, Ari! Wait up, what's the hurry? You almost left me behind in the robotics room!” Dov exclaims, his curly hair bouncing with the gait of his run. She bristles and is about to say something, but looks at Dov’s concerned face and softens before saying, “Tuesday night, can't be late.” Ari picks up her pace again as Dov falls behind with a concerned smile.
“Oh right… see you after rehearsal, right?” Ari shifts her weight from side to side,
“Hmmm, probably. We have a killer set today, so I don't know. Can’t be in two places at once right?” she replies. Dov nods as he leans in and gives Ari a hurried kiss before she turns and heads away.
When Ari burst through the door to Jason's garage at 6:33, she was immediately surrounded by noise. It took a couple of tries for Ari to grab the attention of the members of Saturn Rising, most being consumed on the task at hand. When all the band members’ eyes were on her, she proclaimed, “Guys! I'm only three minutes late?!”
As she looked around, Andy, her best friend and the band's lead vocalist, spoke timidly. “Sorry… Jason wanted to get in as much rehearsal as possible before the show.” All eyes turn to Jason, who shrugs boredly and continues fiddling with his keyboard. Naturally it was Jason — who thought that the world revolved around him — who started rehearsal without her.
“It’s not my fault you were late,” he sneers. Ha! Usually it was him who was late, that hypocrite. When the band was first formed, Ari had been confident that she would remain friends with everyone no matter what happened. But with Jason she wasn't so sure.
“Come on Ari, get your stuff ready. Don’t make the whole band late,” he snarled. Ari rolled her eyes as she pulled out her music and sat down by the drum kit. Here she could focus. Playing always made all this bullshit with Jason fall away. Picking up her sticks, Ari did what she was here for, what she loved.
“5...6...5, 6, 7, 8 !”
“I wanted to give you a heads up.” Ari looked up to see Andy with a uncomfortable look on her face. Before she could ask for clarification, Ari saw Jason stomp over to the drum kit where she was packing up her stuff.
“Andy, could I talk to her alone?” Andy shrugged apologetically before walking away. As she stands up, Ari comes face to face with Jason who has his usual ‘I’m better than you’ expression.
Deciding to play nice, as to not get in a fight that would delay her dinner anymore than it already was, Ari put on a fake smile and said “Hi! I am soooooo sorry I was late today. You know how crazy it can get!” Jason squinted at her, looking like he was trying to figure out if she was being sarcastic.
After a couple seconds of confusion he gave up. “Well…. just….you need to put more effort into this band. You really aren't pulling your weight right now, and frankly, it's dragging the whole band down.”
Ari stared at him in shock. “How could you even say that? This is the second - second - time I've been late this whole semester!”
Jason looked suspicious. “But you haven't been putting in your full attention, either.”
Ari sighed deeply before responding. “It’s only a week before the biggest robotics competition of the year! I might be just a little busy, and I've still written almost half of our songs.” She had been putting in more effort than Jason had since the beginning. Before Jason could respond, she stormed away in a frustrated huff. Leave it up to Jason to ruin a perfectly good night.
“I can’t believe he would even say something like that!” Andy said with disgust in her voice. “I am so sorry I couldn't stop him, I tried, but my mom had been waiting in the parking lot for 10 minutes already and-” Ari nodded her head in acknowledgment “No, I get it. There's really not anything to do about him now.”
“About who?” From between Andy and Ari, Dov peeked his head through. Upon seeing Dov, Ari smiled and grabbed his hand so he could join the conversation.
“Oh, just Jason,” Ari lamented. “He’s being his usual annoying self, insisting that I spend more time on the band and less on robotics.”
“I can’t believe that guy, he’s such an ass.” Dov responded with an aggravated sigh. Ari shakes her head in agreement as they wave goodbye to Andy and walk into the Robotics room. Ari walks to her usual station and begins her work until she feels a tap on her shoulder. Behind her is Alan, her fellow coder on the team and more notably, Dov’s ex-boyfriend.
“Ari, you really need to work on this line, it's not working since you left yesterday,” Alan said shrilly.
Ari shrugged and said, “Ok, I'll get to it after rehearsal today.” She turned back to her computer until she heard sputtering from Alan.
“This needs to happen before then!” He spit out, ”This is crucial and your silly little band is just not that important!” Ari straightened rapidly and put her hands on her hips.
“Well, Alan, if what I do is ‘just not that important’ how about I let you finish this code?” She said.
“I did fix it,” Alan said in a huff.
“It wasn't broken in the first place, you just needed to show everyone you could actually do something. And look how that turned out?” Ari said. Alan acted like he was so high and mighty but it was a surprise that he was even on the team. “Now if you don’t mind, or if you do, I need to work on the code I was assigned, and not fix your mistakes.” With that, Ari turned around and continued with her work. She wasn't going to let a couple of asshats ruin her project.
“I honestly don’t know why everybody cares so much about what I do.” Ari begrudges to Andy as they eat their lunch in the cafeteria. Andy nods in agreement as she crunches on her carrots.
“They’re just jealous.” Andy declares, waving her carrots sticks around like a scepter. “They wish that they could do all the cool things you do.” Ari rolls her eyes at her best friends comment.
“Sure” Ari says “I’m just doing me, ya know? I don’t need all this bullshit.”
“I totally get it. What does Dov think about it? Have you asked him to talk to Alan?”
“No. It’s my problem to deal with, not his.” Ari says resolutely.
“I don’t even know how Alan is on robotics, there are so many more people that can do better work than him. He just sits around.” Ari says to Dov as they walk hand in hand down the hallway towards robotics.
“He’s really not that bad if you get to know him.” Dov replies, “He can be a little stuck up, but he means well.”
“All he does is try and ruin my work. I tried working with him, but he won’t cooperate.” Ari huffs. As they walk into the robotics room, Dov lets go of her hand and turns to face Ari.
“But… he might be right”. He says. Her eyes snapped to Dov as he awkwardly avoids eye contact with Ari.
“What? Right about what?” Ari says back. With this Dov seemed to regret his previous statement but continued on.
“Maybe spending less time on the band.” Ari was dumbfounded but didn't say anything.
“Robotics is something you can use later on in life, the band is just more of a side thing right? So it might be better to focus on what's really useful right now.” From behind Dov, Alan slides up to Ari. He nods smugly as Dov trails off, becoming aware of the hurt in Ari’s eyes.
“You should really listen to your boyfriend, he’s got the right idea” Alan said, “Just admit that you're wrong and-”
“Alan,” Ari growled through gritted teeth, “Leave. now.” Alan continued to smile slyly as he walked away leaving Dov and Ari alone. “How could you even say that? The band means so much to me!” Dov’s face transforms from guilty to hurt.
“What about me, Ari!” Dov exclaims, “Don’t I mean a lot to you?” Dov begins walking out of the robotics room and Ari follows him. “All I ever hear nowadays is ‘Oh I'll see you tomorrow Dov, I have practice’ and ‘Sorry Dov, I have to cancel our date tonight. We have a gig next week’. I never see you anymore.” Dov is breathing hard and his eyes started to tear up. “You always talk about splitting your time between robotics and the band, but where do I fit in?” Ari looks at him in shock.
“Why didn’t you tell me this?” She says.
“I thought that if you chose robotics we could spend more time together. I didn’t want you to think that I wanted you to quit the band. I just want some time with you.” He sighs.
“If you just told me how you felt I would have understood. You didn’t have to give me an ultimatum.” Ari pauses and takes a deep breath. After a moment she continues, “I need your support right now. I am sorry I haven't made time for you. But I need you to understand that I’m going through a lot, and it's rough right now. But I promise, it's going to get better. ”
“Every time I tried to talk to you, you were running off to another rehearsal. I just got frustrated. I’m sorry, I never should have forced you to choose ” Dov says.
“I understand. But next time can we just talk to each other?” Ari laughs and takes Dov’s hand from where they were fidgeting anxiously by his sides. “I promise that I will make more time for you. For us.”
“That sounds great,” Dov says. “But… I have robotics, gotta go!” Dov could barely keep a straight face as he pretends to walk away. Ari laughs and runs after him.
“Hey, what's the hurry?”